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We
use the term “off-track behavior” to describe children’s signals for help.
Common terms like misbehavior, disobedience, being spoiled or being bratty all
carry with them ideas about children that are inaccurate. This leads to
caregivers’ disappointment, upset, and the “crime and punishment” framework
that we’re working to replace. Calling
it “off-track behavior” instead of “misbehavior” can help us see it in a more
positive light.
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When children feel disconnected they don’t think well, adults sometimes feel that children are:
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“Just trying to get attention,”
“Causing a power struggle,” “Getting revenge,” or “Just trying to avoid failure.” |
But they’re not. It would be nice if the child could just say, “Help, I’m stressed. I need your help.” Instead they show us their pain by hitting, biting, or hiding under a table. This behavior is signaling that they are hurting inside and their sense of connection is broken. They need our help to stop and reconnect.
Off-Track Behavior is Always a Signal for Help
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You May Print or Save Handouts for Reference
2) When to Seek Outside Help for Children’s Problem Behavior, The Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning (CSEFEL)
3) Using Choice and Preference to Promote Improved Behavior , The Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning (CSEFEL)
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Your Response
Children count on their caregivers to notice when to lend a hand and help them stop off-track behavior. Begin by noticing:
Identifying the child’s needs helps you handle these issues appropriately and restore positive functioning. Sometimes a snuggle and giggle is all a child needs to help him reconnect. Sometimes playing with play dough, or in the sensory table, or outdoors in vigorous play will help them release tension and get back on track.
Children count on their caregivers to notice when to lend a hand and help them stop off-track behavior. Begin by noticing:
- Is the child hungry?
- Does he need help with something that is difficult?
- Does she have a health or medical issue that needs attending to?
- Does he simply need information about how to act in the situation?
Identifying the child’s needs helps you handle these issues appropriately and restore positive functioning. Sometimes a snuggle and giggle is all a child needs to help him reconnect. Sometimes playing with play dough, or in the sensory table, or outdoors in vigorous play will help them release tension and get back on track.
If, however, the off-track behavior is rooted in big feelings of disconnection, the child’s behavior will tend to go off-track again and again. When this happens, the child is signaling that they need someone to step in, set a limit, and stay close. Setting a limit is a way to keep everyone safe while the child off-loads stress. The talking, laughter, crying, trembling or the tantrum that follows is the release-valve for pressure that had built up and made them unreasonable.
Crying is not the hurt—it is the release. Tantrums are not off-track behavior—they are the release of frustration and fear. A crying or tantruming child is a smart child who is efficiently offloading what could otherwise become toxic stress. They are doing the work of healing from the inside out.
What the child needs is for you to be relaxed, accepting, caring, and close. Keeping the child, their surroundings, and everyone safe while the child sobs or rages can be a big job. Allow this release to run its course. Know that tears and tantrums provide a straightforward route to a cooperative, happy child with markedly increased abilities to manage her own behavior.
What steps might an adult need to take in order to provide a safe environment for a child to off-load stress? The adult’s role is to continue to offer a connection, and sometimes provide containment so the child does not hurt himself, other people, or other things.
Unthinking, rigid restraint is NOT listening or appropriate limit setting. The effect of rigid restraint is to get the child to shut down and stop both the behavior and the emotional release. Rigid restraint neither helps the child to offload stress nor helps him get his behavior back on track. It becomes inappropriate physical punishment. This is the opposite of providing opportunities for emotional release.
Crying is not the hurt—it is the release. Tantrums are not off-track behavior—they are the release of frustration and fear. A crying or tantruming child is a smart child who is efficiently offloading what could otherwise become toxic stress. They are doing the work of healing from the inside out.
What the child needs is for you to be relaxed, accepting, caring, and close. Keeping the child, their surroundings, and everyone safe while the child sobs or rages can be a big job. Allow this release to run its course. Know that tears and tantrums provide a straightforward route to a cooperative, happy child with markedly increased abilities to manage her own behavior.
What steps might an adult need to take in order to provide a safe environment for a child to off-load stress? The adult’s role is to continue to offer a connection, and sometimes provide containment so the child does not hurt himself, other people, or other things.
Unthinking, rigid restraint is NOT listening or appropriate limit setting. The effect of rigid restraint is to get the child to shut down and stop both the behavior and the emotional release. Rigid restraint neither helps the child to offload stress nor helps him get his behavior back on track. It becomes inappropriate physical punishment. This is the opposite of providing opportunities for emotional release.
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Alternate links for pop-ups:
Setting Limits with Young Children
When to Seek Outside Help for Children’s Problem Behavior
Using Choice and Preference to Promote Improved Behavior
Setting Limits with Young Children
When to Seek Outside Help for Children’s Problem Behavior
Using Choice and Preference to Promote Improved Behavior